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It is axiomatic that the plant eating fauna in your garden is slavering over your vegetable crops, drooling on your eagerly awaited flowers of expensive imported specimens or slobbering at the sight of fragile shreds of seedlings, over which you have sweated blood. The weeds will flourish unmolested.

Decisions must be made. Best for you is to take the Zen approach. There is enough leafy matter to go around and if your fritillaries look a little foxed, then you know that some creeping slimy slitherer is well fed. So are their offspring. They are at the base of the food chain and will nourish the frogs, birds and hedgehogs which you hope will infest your plot.
Ants and Green Lady

Green fly and black fly spread virus contagion and shrivel leaves. Remove them with a blast from the hose but not with the power wash attachment, no matter how ugly or irritating they are. Insecticides are indiscriminate and will do what it says on the tin. Bug fuck; you will kill many bees and butterflies as well as a few aphids. Your karma will also take a bit of a battering.
Pieris

Slugs and snails bring out the beast in many gardeners. Small children may be enlisted to collect snails in a flowerpot, to be paid a small bounty per shell, at your discretion. Do not encourage them to gather slugs, or their mothers will treat you like an earthworm. The disposal of the evidence is up to you. Do not throw snails over the garden wall as they will return under the lash of an inexorable homing instinct, their appetites sharpened by the long walk back. Relationships with your neighbours will deteriorate, the more so when they find flying invertebrates falling into their Pimms fruit cup with a plunk. You may drop snails into a bucket of salty water but sadly, they don’t scream when they hit the saline and disposal is a revolting prospect. I put mine intact and unharmed into the green recycling bin, to go on their holidays. I would be distressed to receive a postcard.

Serious trouble such as vine weevil should not be contemplated with whimsy. Get a chemical drench or biological control and kill the bastards. Saw fly larvae will destroy currants and gooseberries. Remove them by hand, treat the plants with nematodes or grow something else.
Tulips and Euphorbia

I love lilies beyond the point of all sanity. Lily beetles are now widespread and will eat the entire plant, given time. You may pick them off and stamp on them but you risk obsession. Their larvae cover themselves in a cocoon of their own excreta, which is a reprehensible habit, whichever way you look at it. You will be unable to admire the beauty of the blooms for frothing at the mouth and the shrill shrieks of vindictive fury torn from your lips, upon spotting a scarlet back or a mobile pile of poop. If you can catch them when they are copulating, so much the better; they are twice as easy to see, too preoccupied to run away and at least they will die happy. Make sure that your jeans are securely fastened before jumping up and down on the tiny corpses in public. I didn’t and can assure you from personal experience, that at such times your life flashes before your eyes with an unpleasant zipping sound. Much like your trousers.

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