You can use your garden for lots of activities; Games with the family, sharing a glass of wine with a friend, recreational sex, provided that you are not overlooked to any great degree or have an outgoing nature.
Some pursuits require a little forward planning. If you want to dry laundry, you will want to erect a structure upon which you can attach your smalls without the first zephyr breeze snatching them away to the nearest high viewing point. Washing lines must be anchored securely. My first attempt saw the upright sunk into a ladylike amount of cement at the edge of a flower bed. After all, I didn’t want to upset the plants with a huge dollop of impervious alkaline rock. The first load of clean clothes saw the post upended and the shirts strewn across the lawn. Next weekend, Attila the Gardener sank the post into enough concrete to anchor the Queen Mary. He used brick for extra ballast. Nothing will grow within two metres; nevertheless, the occasional garment is snagged by a nearish Buddleia and displayed for all to see.
Imbibing liquids or consumption of iced comestibles is best attempted on a seat of some kind. You can keep a few fold-out canvas chairs in a dry outbuilding, for presentation as if by magic when the occasion demands. You may acquire something permanent but it should look discreet, charming and in keeping with house, garden and hard landscaping. Left out overnight, canvas will moulder, wood will rot and metal will rust. If you buy a six seater hammock, it will shade adjacent plants to death. When you obtain a table to go with the hammock, you may cause subsidence in the ground thereunder.
Barbeques are popular in warmer climates such as Florida or Australia. Remember that TV weather people in this country get their jollies by promising us a weekend of blistering sunshine. Subsequently they enjoy the thought of everyone choking in oily clouds of fire accelerant, trying to get enough flame to warm a couple of pasty sausages. Spatchcocking and kettle roasting a whole chicken is a myth; don’t be taken in by such falsehoods. To avoid salmonella poisoning, the bird must be cooked indoors, in a state-of-the-art electric oven, then plonked on the barbeque for a little smoked flavour and a lot of smugness.
Echinops ritro (globe thistle) and Macleaya (plume poppy)
If you have children or are occasionally infested with the offspring of others, you will be required to ask a hard question; how much do you actually like the parents? If you are fond of them and/or the small screaming garden destroyers who attend them, you will just have to practice a brave smile as they smash their way through your prizewinning vegetable patch. If you are a glutton for punishment, organise a game of softball or similar, in order to achieve total ground clearance. If you don’t care if you never see the family again, stand in front of an obvious candidate for annihilation holding a shovel. Nobody will respect you if you bluff: if the infant touches one trembling leaf, a blow with the spade will dissuade them from further incursions.
With regard to alfresco sex, my only observations are these. Firstly, avoid smearing your playmate with jam, honey, treacle or similar, which will attract the unwanted attention of insects that sting. Secondly, keep a dressing gown handy for that moment when you hear a voice call loudly “Is anybody out here?” Finally, eschew the front garden, or the neighbours will talk.